Helldesk Rule 37 - Tools May Be Improvised - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
If you brown tape, a spoon, double-sided tape or some hot glue - leave quietly..
The system is healing.
Helldesk Rule 36 - All Fixes Are Temporary
Helldesk Rule 36 - All Fixes Are Temporary - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
If it works, it’s a miracle.
If it breaks again, it’s your fault.
Helldesk Rule 35 - Do not Open The Can
Helldesk Rule 35 - Do not Open The Can - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
Only ask questions that you want to know the answer to else the can of worms may be opened.
Do not open the can. Do not shake the can. Do not acknowledge the can. The worms are listening..
Helldesk Rule 34 - Hot Glue Fixes everything
Helldesk Rule 34 - Hot Glue Fixes Everything - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
Apply Heat Until Compliance Is Achieved.
Laptop hinges? Fused. Ribbon connector damaged by a technician initiating a repair? Reborn. Technician shame? Sealed beneath a glossy polymer crust.
If it melts, it bonds. If it smokes, you're holding it wrong!
Helldesk Jokes - Knock Knock Compliance
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Compliance.
Compliance who?
Compliance requires you to pretend this joke was funny.
Rule Number 33 - The Beverage Risk Index
Rule Number 33 - The Beverage Risk Index - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
The likelihood of a catastrophic spill increases with beverage viscosity and proximity to mission-critical hardware.
Coffee near keyboards? That’s a Tier 1 incident waiting to happen.
Helldesk Jokes - Knock Knock Firewall
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Karen.
Karen who?
Karen the Firewall. She blocked this joke for security reasons!
Helldesk Rule 32 - Password Policy
Rule Number 32 - Password Policy - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
All passwords must contain at least one regret, two apologies, and a silent scream.
Helldesk Jokes - Knock Knock 404
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
404.
404 who?
404 punchline not found. Please contact your administrator.
Rule Number 31 - DO NOT KNOCK. EVER!
Rule Number 31 - DO NOT KNOCK. EVER! - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
If you can physically reach the door, you can digitally submit a ticket.
Knocking implies urgency, humanity, and a desire for resolution — all of which violate Helldesk protocol.
Tickets exist to buffer your chaos, dilute your intent and ensure your request is safely ignored in chronological order.
Helldesk Jokes - Live Chat Feature
Q: Why does the Helpdesk have a live chat feature?
A: The 2 students on work experience have to have something to do!
Rule Number 30 - The Vampire Update Principle
Rule Number 30 - The Vampire Update Principle - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
System updates only strike when you’re vulnerable: 15:29 PM, Friday, full moon.
“Do not turn off your computer” is code for “cancel your weekend plans.”
Rule Number 29 - The Printer Paradox
Rule Number 29 - The Printer Paradox - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
The more urgent the print job, the more likely the printer will demand a blood sacrifice.
“Paper jam” is Latin for “your meeting is doomed.”
Rule Number 28 - The Legacy Curse
Rule Number 28 - The Legacy Curse - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
Every legacy system is protected by ancient magic and one retired engineer who lives in a cave.
Touch nothing. Speak in COBOL.
Rule Number 27 - The Frozen Cursor Law
Rule Number 27 - The Frozen Cursor Law - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
If the cursor freezes, users will click harder. Then louder. Then scream.
The mouse is not a voodoo doll. Violence won’t help.
Helldesk Jokes - Why is the Firewall named Karen?
Q: Why is the firewall named Karen?
A: Because it blocks everything and demands to speak to your manager!
Rule Number 26 - The Wizard Hat Clause
Rule Number 26 - The Wizard Hat Clause - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
If you fix something by accident, claim it was intentional. Bonus points if you mutter “just a little tweak to the registry.”
Never admit you Googled it. You’re a professional..
Rule Number 25 - The Juice Box Theory
Rule Number 25 - The Juice Box Theory - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
Users are like toddlers. They want everything fixed instantly, and they will spill data everywhere.
Always keep backups. And wet wipes.
Rule Number 24 - The Law of Infinite Tabs
Rule Number 24 - The Law of Infinite Tabs - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
If you have fewer than 12 browser tabs open, you’re not really working. You’re pretending.
The tab with the solution is always the one you closed five minutes ago.
Rule Number 23 - The Fire Drill Principle
Rule Number 23 - The Fire Drill Principle - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
When something breaks, run diagnostics. When everything breaks, run!
IT support is 10% fixing things and 90% pretending you didn’t cause the outage...
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Seven of Forgotten Attachments
📎 The Seven of Forgotten Attachments has been summoned—hovering in inbox purgatory, never to be sent.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Two of Coffee Mugs
☕ The Two of Coffee Mugs has been poured—an eternal exchange of caffeine and commiseration.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Helpdesk Shaman
🔮 THE HELPDESK SHAMAN has appeared—wise, weary, and wielding the sacred cable staff.
This is Card X in the Helldesk Tarot Deck:
- He speaks in error codes and cryptic ticket updates
- His laptop glows with a question mark, forever unresolved
- Behind him, the power glyph radiates—hope or reboot?
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Forgotten Password
🔒 THE FORGOTTEN PASSWORD has now been summoned—hooded, haunted, and locked out for eternity.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Exit Interviewer
🪄 The Exit Interviewer has arrived—clipboard in hand, gaze unflinching, Roman numeral “XI” etched below like a final judgment.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Blame Wheel
🌀 The Blame Wheel has officially landed—pointing squarely at “USER.” - Looks like someone forgot to plug in the Ethernet cable again.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Memory Hole
🕳️ The Memory Hole has opened—where forgotten tickets, lost credentials, and deleted regrets spiral into oblivion.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Printer Demon
🧻 The Printer Demon has arrived—jammed, cursed, and demanding toner tributes.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Puzzle Piece
🧩 The Puzzle Piece — the sacred undocumented feature holding the entire infrastructure together.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Mirror Test
🪞 The Mirror Test — where bugs vanish under observation, only to reappear when no one’s looking.
Rule Number 22 - The Zombie Ticket Rule
Rule Number 22 - The Zombie Ticket Rule - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
No ticket ever truly dies. It will rise again, usually five minutes after you leave for lunch.
Archieve nothing. Fear everything.
Rule Number 21 - The Clean Desk Illusion
Rule Number 21 - The Clean Desk Illusion - www.helldeskrules.com
[X]
A tidy desk means someone’s either new, quitting, or hiding something.
Real tech support desks are 40% cables, 30% snacks, 30% despair.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Clean Install
🧼 The Clean Install — featuring a floppy disk, a broom, and the faint scent of misplaced drivers.
The Compliance Oracle
THE COMPLIANCE ORACLE
Upright: Policies foretold, audits embraced
Reversed: Red tape tangled, guidance obscured.
The Standup Specter
THE STANDUP SPECTER
Upright: Delays confessed, deadlines grimaced
Reversed: Momentum dispersed, timeliness renounced.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Card - The Agile Harbinger
THE AGILE HARBINGER
Upright: Guided decisions, standards consecrated
Reversed: Sanctions descending, freedom abrogated.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Update Vampire
🧛 THE UPDATE VAMPIRE
Upright: Energy surge, rapid ticket resolution
Reversed: Endless loading, weekend ruined.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Mirror of Blame
The Mirror of Blame
“Reflects beautifully. Accepts nothing.”
Portrayer of finger-pointing and deflection. Source of accusations and misdirection. Upright: guilt. Reversed: denial.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The VPN Hermit
The VPN Hermit
“Seeks isolation. Loses connection.”
Grants a brief escape from the office chaos. Tunnels into remote locations, collects mystic error codes. Upright: introspection. Reversed: frustration.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Rollbacker
The Rollbacker
“Makes key decisions. Never gets blamed.”
Looms in desperation following a broken deploy. Weaver of restore points and scripts of reversion. Upright: wisdom. Reversed: indecision.
Helldesk Rules Tarot Cards - The Intern of Eternal Onboarding
The Intern of Eternal Onboarding
“Doomed to learn forever.”
Seeks ancient processes lost to history. Haunted by restless accounts.
Upright: growth. Reversed: despair.
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