Helldesk Rules Handbook Quiz: Certified Mayhem Edition
Instructions:
Choose the least wrong answer. Or don’t. Points are awarded arbitrarily. Cheating is encouraged if it speeds things up.
1. What’s the correct response when a user says “My computer isn’t working”?
- “Have you tried sacrificing a USB stick to the tech gods?”
- “Let me remote in and make it worse.”
- “Sounds like a you problem.”
- “I’ll escalate this to someone who cares.”
2. The Helldesk motto is:
- “We fix things eventually.”
- “Chaos is our business model.”
- “Turning tickets into trauma since 1997.”
- “Please hold while we pretend to help.”
3. What’s the proper attire for a Helldesk technician?
- Pajamas and passive aggression
- A cape made of Ethernet cables
- Branded polo shirt with coffee stains
- Hazmat suit for dealing with Outlook
4. When faced with a printer jam, the first step is:
- Cry
- Blame the intern
- Summon the ancient toner spirit
- Reboot the building
5. What does “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” really mean?
- “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
- “This is the only spell I know.”
- “I’m contractually obligated to ask.”
- “I’m hoping this ends the conversation.”
6. What’s the Helldesk approach to documentation?
- Scribbles on a napkin
- A wiki last updated in 2012
- “Ask Dave, he remembers stuff”
- A locked PDF with no search function
7. How do you close a ticket?
- Mark it as “resolved” and run
- Blame network latency
- Reassign it to another department
- Delete it and deny everything
8. What’s the official Helldesk response to a user clicking a phishing link?
- “Congratulations, you’ve won a virus!”
- “We’ll need to reimage your soul.”
- “That’s going in the training slideshow.”
- “You’ve activated our ransomware loyalty program.”
Bonus Question:
What is the true meaning of Helldesk?
☐ A beacon of hope in a sea of despair
☐ A lifestyle choice
☐ A cry for help disguised as tech support
☐ All of the above, and somehow less
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