Helldesk Rules Employee Handbook

Welcome to Helldesk. If you're reading this, it's already too late.

🧠 Core Responsibilities

• Reboot everything. Twice. Even if it’s working.
• Blame the user. If unavailable, blame the weather.
• Escalate all tickets to the void.
• Maintain eye contact with the server until it submits.

📜 Dress Code

Black hoodie. Glowing eyes optional. Must carry at least one USB stick of unknown origin.

🕵️ Surveillance Policy

All users are monitored. All employees are monitored. All monitoring is monitored.

🧯 Emergency Protocol

• Step 1: Panic.
• Step 2: Blame the intern.
• Step 3: Submit a ticket to yourself and ignore it.

📆 Time Off

Time off is discouraged. If you must leave, submit a 404 form and wait for rejection.

📣 Communication Guidelines

• Use jargon. Preferably outdated.
• Respond to all queries with “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
• Never admit you don’t know. Just say “It’s a known issue.”

💀 Termination Clause

Employment ends when you become the error.